yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
