The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
