go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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