Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I want her autograph on my taint
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
