I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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