I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
