I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
