who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
