i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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