There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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