I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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