Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I faked an abortion last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
