I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize