I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
