then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
