In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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