oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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