I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
