he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
