Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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