FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
