He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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