They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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