i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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