I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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