I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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