I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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