My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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