Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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