I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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