I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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