i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
