I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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