im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
