Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
