I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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