you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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