....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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