i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
