it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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