Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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