An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
