So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
