i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
