He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
