i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
