I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
