i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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