I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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