Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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