Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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