I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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