Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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