the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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