im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
