turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
