My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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