life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
