my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
