First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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