oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
