Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
